


Finding the Light That Never Fades

by Garowyn



Category: Gintama
Genre: Drama, F/M, Gen, Mostly Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:55:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25711714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Garowyn/pseuds/Garowyn
Summary: “Stop me if you’ve heard this one: a police officer walks into a cabaret club…”“This joke is about me, isn’t it?”“No, it isn’t. Now, let me finish: a police officer walks into a cabaret club and orders a glass of Dom Perignon topped with mayonnaise—”“It is about me!”--Set within the two year time skip of the Silver Soul arc.Hijikata is unsettled by what he perceives to be a false peace. Tae is exhausted from picking up the pieces again and again.Two souls, who have both loved and lost in life, converge for one night to share in a drink and contemplate war and the future and each other.
Relationships: HijiTae - Relationship, Hijikata Toshirou & Shimura Tae, Hijikata Toshirou/Shimura Tae, 土妙
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	Finding the Light That Never Fades

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short HijiTae fic to commemorate shipping them for thirteen years. Quasi-sequel to Catharsis. If you don’t like the ship, just hit the back button and scroll along. Keep life simple like that.
> 
> There are small references to events and ideas in my other stories, but it’s not necessary to read them to understand this one. Song title loosely inspired by The Smiths’ “There Is a Light That Never Goes Out” except that The Daysleepers’ cover is what I was listening to (I recommend it; it’s a great cover by one of my favourite shoegaze bands), among other song muses.
> 
> Special shout-out goes to Ace for their endless support, as always! In addition to feedback, they also co-wrote a section of a scene in this fic, which will be indicated with an asterisk at the start of it. Credit goes to them for their hilarious dialogue so rich in the spirit of Gintama. They have made gifs of all of HijiTae’s major moments, so please check them out [here](https://arirna.tumblr.com/tagged/hijitae).

Tae thanked a customer for the visiting tonight, and then started her rounds as a bouncer through the aisles until the next request for her company.

It was the manager’s birthday, as well as the completion of Snack Smile’s first week back in business following the catastrophic war’s end. The night was young. The glasses were full. The customers were happy. That was more than enough for Tae, who was pleased to see most of her coworkers smiling and laughing and threatening to break a finger or twist an arm of an unruly or deviant customer. 

There were a couple of silent and empty booths, belonging to two women who had lost their lives in the conflict. Tae tried not to notice them too much this time, so that she could maintain a proper smile on her face for the rest of the night. 

* * *

Hijikata walked down a familiar street toward a familiar shop to visit a familiar face, and he did so with an unfamiliar unease. The voices of passers-by swelled in his ears, louder than usual. The lights glared back at him, brighter than normal. The scent of heady perfumes and alcohol and roasted meats clogged his nostrils, stronger than expected. He struggled against all assaults of his senses, keeping his guard up against lurking enemies. Danger was always close at hand. Nothing escaped his notice. 

A woman screamed. 

Hijikata stopped in his tracks. His hand flew to the hilt of his sword, muscles tensing up. His eyes darted side to side, searching for the potential victim and aggressor. People swarmed in and out of his line of vision, but he could now clearly see a young woman chastising her friends for a prank, judging by the snippets of conversation wafting toward him.

Shoulders sagging with a sigh, Hijikata closed his eyes for a moment, reminding himself that three months of peace and stability while the city rebuilt itself was a good thing. Then, he walked on, retrieving an electronic cigarette from his inner pocket and puffing on the tobacco flavour. Tomorrow, he would try again to quit smoking altogether, whether it was leaves or fumes. But, tonight, he needed a distraction from the absence of war. 

* * *

After depositing a raving drunkard onto the streets, Tae returned to her shift as a host. No one had requested her yet, but that was fine. While she smiled and offered a friendly word on the outside, there were things weighing heavily on her mind, and she welcomed the chance to retreat into the dressing room. A few of the other hostesses were freshening up or resting. 

Tae took her usual spot where she pulled her cell phone out of her purse. No missed calls, but there were a couple of messages from Tsukuyo and Kyuubei. Nothing from Shinpachi. He was probably home sleeping by now, or so she hoped. Three days ago, he had fallen asleep at Gintoki’s old apartment, and since then, Tae had insisted Shinpachi make it home before surrendering to exhaustion in what was now a lonely place. Withdrawing into the silence of the Yorozuya office wasn’t going to do Shinpachi a bit of good. It made him wallow in gloominess; it made him think too much.

Tae couldn’t afford to do any of that now when he hadn’t yet made his intentions about restoring and inheriting the dojo clear. The responsibility remained in her hands, as did the district itself and this cabaret club, where she also took a role in management. These women had followed her into battle. She didn’t plan to work here forever, but she would stay until the place was secure again and until her coworkers and friends could stay on their feet without her support. 

Slipping her phone back into her purse, Tae blew a short sigh and gazed at her reflection in the mirror, trying to stifle a yawn but failing. Picking up the pieces after battle and rebuilding a normal life again was more challenging than all the other times she had to start over: after her parent’s death, after Hajime’s parting, after a war in which she had lost even more. Just when she thought she didn’t have the strength to pick herself up, she found herself standing already, taking the first steps forward. The trick was in not thinking too much. 

But it could be exhausting.

“Otae-san,” said a voice behind her, “You’ve been requested.”

Blinking down at the countertop, Tae wondered when her head had fallen into her hands. She rubbed at her eyes to erase all traces of fatigue and tightened her loose ponytail, which hung lower with her lengthening hair. Then, she plastered another smile onto her face. “Be right there.”

* * *

Hijikata stood in front of the entrance to Snack Smile, wondering for the fourth time why he had decided to come here instead of soloing it a ramen bar. Or perhaps to the theatre for a rerun of _Alien vs Yakuza 2_ since newer movies were still being made in the city’s only film studio that had been spared the demolished fate of the rest. He’d spent so much time preparing for future covert operations that he needed to get away from all of it, from any reminder of his impending mission.

But he didn’t want to be entirely alone, left to his own thoughts. A drink was needed, and a drink was best shared with company. Kondou had fallen asleep early, and Hijikata didn’t want to disturb a leader who needed much rest with a hard road ahead. Sougo was out of the question; Hijikata would welcome the peace that came with separating from the brat for long while, even if Sougo would have the company of most of the Shinsengumi with him. The only comrades Hijikata would have on his own journey was Tetsunosuke – who was busy writing another letter to his brother – and Yamazaki in his new anpan-eating cyborg form.

Hijikata had few friends outside the Shinsengumi, and one of them worked at Snack Smile – if she could be called that, for the tempestuous but formidable Shimura Tae was friend, ally, and bane of the Shinsengumi all at once. Coming here meant risking the very real possibility of getting caught in the crossfire between her fist and some imbecile. But Tae was going to be an important component in communications between himself and Kondou, and she had already agreed to it. Dropping in and adding to her commission was his way of saying thanks. That was why he was here, he reasoned, drawing in a breath and preparing for the exuberant atmosphere that awaited him inside the always lively cabaret club.

“Welcome, Hijikata-san,” the male attendant said with a smile, “It’s been a long time since your last visit.”

Memories of eccentric experiences and inane incidents ran through his mind like a film reel: proposing marriage on behalf of another; entertaining a goddess of a noble woman; guarding Tokugawa Shige Shige on his unorthodox night out on the town. 

Almost punching Hitotsubashi Nobu Nobu while on the verge of losing Kondou forever.

Hijikata put away his cigarette and pushed the dark memory back down into a place where all his regrets lay buried. 

“Do you have a request among our hosts?”

* * *

  
*****

Even though he wore his casual daywear, Hijikata Toushirou remained an imposing figure, sword hanging off his side, some men quieting down as he passed them but quickly returning to cheers and jeers or tears in some cases. Apparently, he had opted to find her usual booth on his own without her meeting him and the attendant leading the way. 

“Hijikata-san,” Tae greeted him, smiling and standing to the side of the booth, “Welcome.”

“You threw that man out on the street,” Hijikata said when he reached her.

“Oh, my,” Tae said, touching her chest with feigned delicacy and slightly furrowing her brow, “Accusations don’t make for polite greetings. What makes you believe that I am the reason for the man resting on the street? Perhaps, in his drunken stupor, he chose to collapse right in front of our shop just moments before you decided to enter. Or maybe _he_ threw _himself_ out to atone for his repulsive behaviour toward one of our girls. Anything is possible.”

Hijikata stared blankly at her. “Besides the fact that you’re also a bouncer here—” 

“Are you comparing me to some boorish bouncer?”

“Oi, I’m not calling you boorish! It’s obvious you’re the strongest person around here who can deal with scum like him—”

“That’s because there is no one else here to help us, so it’s up to me, a poor, innocent, fragile maiden to step in and peacefully resolve all conflicts that arise in this respectable establishment.” 

“You, fragile?” Hijikata scoffed, “And if that’s what you call peacefully, then what do you consider…” Trailing off, he gazed at a dark spot on the corner of the cushioned seats. “Wait, is that a blood stain—”

“Hijikata-san, I think you’ve overworked yourself so much that you’re hallucinating.” She smiled. “It seems you really need some rest!”

Eyeing her suspiciously, Hijikata shook his head. “As I was saying before…I’ve seen that particular fist-shaped mark before on my general’s face. I’d know your handiwork anywhere.” 

She beamed. “It’s very nice of you to say so. I’d expect nothing less from a police officer, swiftly putting all the clues together to find your woman. Did you come in here to arrest me for vigilante justice?”

“Not today. I don’t doubt he deserved it.” Hijikata looked around the room. “Any other trouble I should know about?” 

Although Tae hadn’t seen the famous uniform for awhile now, she mused over how one couldn’t take the law enforcer out of Hijikata no matter what he wore. “Nothing that we can’t handle on our own,” she replied cheerfully, “Besides, aren’t you off duty? Aren’t you here to drink and relax? Please, do sit down.” She gestured toward her booth and its plush upholstery and waited until he had seated himself before she joined him. “What can I get for you?”

Hijikata studied the menu for about twelve seconds before saying, “I don’t have a particular preference tonight…anything but the most expensive.”

“Dom Perignon, please, waiter!”

“Oi, that’s the most expensive drink here.”

“Correction! Dom Perignon diluted with Dom Perignon, please!”

“How is that cheaper? Never mind, I’ll have shochu! Shochu with oolong tea!”

Tae lifted her hand to signal the waiter again, debated whether to tease with another Dom Perignon order, but decided against it when she saw the panicked expression on Hijikata, who must be mentally counting the cash in his wallet. Smiling at him, Tae called out, “Shochu with oolong tea, please!” She heard him sigh in relief, and then added an order for a small platter of snacks.

“I’m not hungry—” He stopped when his stomach actually rumbled on cue, and his face reddened. “Well, maybe I am a little…”

Tae giggled. “I’m hungry, too. Entertaining guests and punching people burns up plenty of calories.” After the waiter left, she added, “It’ll be a few minutes while they prep the snacks. In the meantime, would you like me to light your cigarette for you?” 

“Got none. Went electronic.”

“Oh? Are you trying to quit?” Imagining Hijikata without a cigarette hanging out of his mouth was almost impossible. The cigarette had probably become as habitual as a pair of underwear to everyday life.

He grunted in reply.

“Ah, I take it that means it’s not going so well.”

“No, it isn’t.”

They lapsed into an awkward silence that Tae found challenging to sort out. Whenever Hijikata had come into Snack Smile, it was for one of two reasons: he was visiting with Kondou in an attempt to keep his leader out of trouble; or he was investigating incident reports inside or outside the club. The last and probably only time she’d been alone with him like this was shortly after the Shinsengumi had participated in the Yagyuu Clan game with the Yorozuya. She had tried to gather everyone here for an apology, but only Hijikata had come, the rest present at Kondou’s almost-wedding. Of course, Hijikata had a motive for showing up, but he had wise things to say that she agreed with in the end.

But that had been over two years ago, and much had changed. Tae’s relationship with the Shinsengumi had improved, especially her friendship with Kondou, so Hijikata wouldn’t be here to bicker about Kondou or question her about mysterious expenses on her bill to the Shinsengumi for dojo repairs. 

She was going to ask what brought him into her district and workplace tonight when she noticed that he was still scrutinizing the club and its customers, steely gaze cutting into every corner, seeking out ill intent. 

“You needn’t worry, Hijikata-san,” Tae said, “Nothing out of the ordinary has happened here since we reopened.” Nothing topped a corrupted leader abusing his power in the booth across from her – and compared to that, every minor disturbance was akin to the bliss of a summer’s cool breeze. Everything felt like that now that the storm had subsided, and people could breathe in the open again. “At the moment, there are few places safer than Snack Smile.” She had begun recruiting members among the employees for a spot in Kabukichou’s more official, all-woman security force. But that remained a secret for now.

Hijikata finally looked at her, and said, “No place is ever truly safe.”

* * *

“Ah, yes, I suppose that’s true to an extent,” Tae said, smiling as sweetly as ever. “An asteroid or a gigantic spaceship could crash and kill us all. An army could invade and pillage the city. An immortal madman might take on the strongest warriors around and swat them away like flies.” Still smiling, she thanked the waiter for the bottle and teapot, which were deposited in the centre of their table. “Terrible, unsafe things have already happened and will continue to happen. We simply pick up the pieces and carry on, like we always do.”

Hijikata felt like an idiot, bringing not only the mood down but stating the obvious, as if he was the only one to figure out this unfortunate fact of the world. History was of full of war and famine and plagues and endless death, but somehow humanity had fought its way to this century on sheer hope and determination.

“But,” Tae continued, preparing his drink, “I am confident in saying that this is a safe place and you can completely relax here. There is peace to be found in Snack Smile tonight.”

A man suddenly yowled in pain, and Hijikata looked up to see a sandy-haired woman dragging a man by his ear past their booth. The man was apologizing over and over, words slurring to incoherence. 

“Jerk tried to feel me up while Hanako-chan and I were serving his friends,” the woman said to them, smiling with a twitching vein in her temple, “So I’m taking trash out to where trash belongs.”

“You always have the cleanliness of this place in mind, Oryou-chan,” Tae remarked, and when the two had disappeared from view, she added, “That’s the first case of sexual harassment we’ve had this week, believe it or not.”

“Touching a woman without her consent is a shameful act,” Hijikata said, scowling, crossing his arms. “He got off easy with the ear-pulling. If that bastard was under my watch, I would’ve had him commit seppuku on the spot.”

Tae cracked her knuckles. “If he’d tried that with me, he would’ve suffered a worse fate.”

A slight shiver ran down his spine at her words. He recalled a time when Tae had marched into the compound, dragging Kondou by the scruff of his uniform collar – back when Kondou still stalked her, back when Hijikata had thought nothing more of her than Kondou’s fancy and Kabukichou’s monster. Hijikata still remembered his first, real conversation with her. He didn’t count attempting to convince her to free Kondou from his unwanted nuptials as the real one; rather, it was the time she confided into him shortly after the Yagyuu Clan incident. And it was only then that he had realized there was more to Tae than his initial opinion, being that she was ill-tempered, unreasonable, and stubborn.

Oh, she still had a short fuse, and she had presented some unreasonable arguments when they had bickered more often in the past. And he couldn’t fault her for stubbornness when he was just the same. Maybe they were more alike than he thought.

* * *

Hijikata seemed distracted by some personal thought, so Tae took the opportunity to ask, “What really brings you here tonight, Hijikata-san?” She took his filled glass and presented it to him. 

“Is there a problem with me being here?” Hijikata asked in return, accepting the drink.

“No, no, not at all.” Tae cleared her throat and clarified, “Rather, I mean, for the Vice-Chief of the Shinsengumi to show his face in an establishment like this, as reputable as we are.”

“I don’t give a damn. If anything, I’m following in the tradition of the Chief by continuing his patronage here.” 

Tae arched an eyebrow. “You’re not going to pick up the habit of stalking now, are you? I’m aware that my beauty drives all to madness, but I must ask you to refrain from expressing your infatuation in such a dissolute manner.” She was joking, of course – except for the beauty part. 

“No, I can’t afford to take a punch from you right now,” Hijikata smoothly replied, never missing a beat, “I have a meeting with a new acquaintance tomorrow morning, someone who might be able to give us vital information. Showing up with a black eye or worse won’t make a good impression.”

“You’re very wise, Hijikata-san,” Tae remarked, preparing her own drink.

“I try to be.”

“So, you never quite answered my question.” Tae looked at him. “Why are you here? It’s rare for you to visit without Kondou-san. I’m sure you’re more comfortable drinking among your comrades than strangers.”

“Just wanted a drink tonight, and I didn’t feel like drinking alone.” He paused to take a sip, and then added, “And you’re not a stranger.”

Tae smiled, pleased about that distinction. Getting along with Hijikata was so much easier when he or Kondou or the Shinsengumi weren’t provoking her wrath. Perhaps he sought her company as a change of pace from seeing his comrades all day, every day. Or maybe his visit had something to do with her role in an upcoming operation, but then that was something they couldn’t discuss casually. She was certain she’d be invited to another meeting before half the Shinsengumi dispersed outside the city.

Tae sipped from her glass, and glanced at Hijikata, who had fallen silent again in his drinking. He was usually more talkative than this, but that had been with Kondou. On his own, Hijikata was a more reserved customer. Most of Tae’s customers talked themselves through the evening with her adding in a comment here and there. Quieter people rarely came to a lively establishment like Snack Smile. 

Hijikata was paying for his time here, so it was his money to waste if he decided not to say much. But Tae didn’t really want to sit in silence the entire time, either. Time moved faster with the aid of banter.

“Hijikata-san,” Tae began, “I recently heard an amusing joke. Do you like jokes? I think you might find this joke as amusing as I did. We’re also in the perfect place for such a joke, so it would be a shame if I didn’t take the opportunity to share this hilarious joke with you.”

Hijikata eyed her strangely.

“Stop me if you’ve heard this one: a police officer walks into a cabaret club…”

“…This joke is about me, isn’t it?”

“No, not at all. Now, let me finish: a police officer walks into a cabaret club and orders a glass of Dom Perignon topped with swirled mayonnaise—”

“It _is_ about me!”

* * *

Tae burst into giggles, raising a hand to her mouth, as if muffling her amusement. “Ah, forgive me, Hijikata-san! I made that up on the spot, and even though I am a creative genius, the ending of this particular joke eludes me.” There was a twinkle in her warm, brown eyes. “Perhaps, you will know what happens next?”

She was teasing him, and, oddly enough, it didn’t annoy him. Assuming the lack of annoyance on his part was due to the alcohol settling into his system, Hijikata took another sip and answered, “In truth, I _have_ heard this joke before. The police officer didn’t order Dom Perignon because it’s too expensive. He ordered straight mayonnaise.”

“But surely the police officer can afford an expensive wine with his substantial government salary?”

“Normally, he would, but the police officer recently lost his ‘substantial government salary’ because a trigger-happy old pervert and a sadistic doughnut fanatic felt that the officer in question needed nothing more than the clothes on his back for his rural transfer,” Hijikata explained with some bitterness. If he was going to be sent out the countryside with few resources at his disposal for the operation, then he believed some compensation was in order.

“Now the officer understands what the cabaret lady feels like when she receives her weekly earnings,” Tae said, chuckling. “Fortunately, _she_ understands _him_ well enough.” 

Just then, the server returned with a tray of various snacks and a single bottle of mayonnaise in the centre of it all, like an oasis in the desert. Hijikata blinked twice at the condiment in case it was a mirage, mouth already watering for its sweet taste. He hadn’t asked for it and hadn’t needed to since most of the time he carried his own bottle around. Only Kondou and Tetsunosuke were considerate enough to offer him mayonnaise, so Tae being counted among the handful of such considerate people was a welcoming surprise.

Tae reached for the two small plates provided, selecting one of each for him first. “Enjoy your mayonnaise to your heart’s content. All I ask is that you don’t act on the idea that I might want to sample some mayonnaise on my snacks, or I will be forced to stuff these wasabi peas up your nostrils and down your throat and in every visible orifice of your body. And let me assure you – these are extra spicy, so the experience will be especially unpleasant.”

At the mention of ‘spicy,’ Hijikata’s hand froze in mid-air, the snacks suddenly the furthest thing from his mind.

* * *

For the first time in all her days at Snack Smile, entertaining and conversing with countless customers, Tae found herself at a loss for words. 

Hijikata had visibly reacted to her semi-serious threat. His hand was left outstretched toward the snack platter before it settled back into his lap, as if he had been reaching for something beyond his grasp and gave up when he realized how futile it all was. A shade of melancholy had further dimmed the already faint light in his eyes before retreating from view.

She hadn’t seen such an emotion since the day he had walked in here behind Kozenigata, a few days after Kondou had been arrested, and Hijikata later proclaimed that he couldn’t do a thing without his general.

Tae didn’t believe that he took her threat all that seriously, but narrowing her words down to the cause for his sudden change of mood was proving difficult. It couldn’t be that he took offense to her distaste for copious helpings of mayonnaise when he dealt with negative reactions all the time. Stating the consequences of condiment interloping was nothing compared to her usual threats for unsavoury deviants. A single word had to be the trigger.

She had her answer when Hijikata set snacks on his plate and left the wasabi peas untouched.

Watching him carefully, Tae said, “Ah, Hijikata-san, I was just kidding about the wasabi peas, although they may help to keep your sinuses clear for a long time. A gentle and graceful host like myself would never treat a valued customer so roughly.”

Hijikata shot her a look. “We both know that’s a lie.”

“My, my, are you saying I’m not gentle and graceful?”

“I’m saying the Otae-san I know wouldn’t hesitate to carry out her threats if even a valued customer stepped out of line.” Hijikata reached for his alcohol-imbued tea and took a sip. “I know because I’ve not only witnessed you laying waste to the entire Seventh Unit, but I’ve also threatened to do the same thing with mayonnaise…and I have.”

Tae smiled. “That’s true enough. Somehow, you know me well, even though this is one of the rare times we’ve shared a drink together or each other’s company without constantly arguing.” She sipped from her tea. “You know, if it wasn’t for Kondou-san, I think we would have gone on with our lives without ever knowing the other existed.”

“Would you have preferred that?”

It was an odd question coming from him of all people. Glancing at him through the corner of her eye, Tae moved to adjust the snack platter into a more symmetrical position, though she didn’t need to. She wanted to buy at least a minute to answer, and he was sipping quietly from his own drink, waiting for that answer. While it had taken time to reach this point of a strange friendship, she hadn’t ever stopped to consider what her life would be like without him and if they needed each other within their lives at all. The question itself was phrased in such a way that if she answered ‘yes,’ then it would too heartless for her tastes. And answering ‘no’ held more weight than she suspected neither of them would be comfortable with. Just who was Hijikata Toushirou to her? And who was she to him? 

Before she could manage a reply, an explosion of angry oaths and exasperated noises distracted both of them. Tae looked up to see two men standing on the other side of the opposing booth, their words slurring together as they pointed and railed at one of her colleagues, who was apologizing profusely in a faltering voice. 

Frowning, Tae was about to rise when movement on their shared seat alerted her to Hijikata’s stiffening posture, hand darting to the hilt of his sword. Instead of the irritation she expected to see on his face for petty drunkards, she was momentarily caught off guard by the intensity of his gaze, his aura a dangerous calm like that of a wolf zeroing in on its prey. This was not the first time Hijikata ever appeared threatening before his enemies, but there was a subtle difference here that needn’t manifest itself in full.

Tae reached out and set a hand on his arm, feeling the tension rippling from somewhere beneath the surface. When Hijikata turned to look at her in confusion, Tae stood to her feet and said, “Finish your drink, Hijikata-san. I will handle this.” 

* * *

The second he asked her that loaded question, he regretted it. They weren’t that close, and he didn’t know why he wanted to know in the first place. The alcohol was loosening his lips and muddling his mind a little too much. And then the sudden commotion from across the aisle had set his heart racing, as if expecting enemies to pop out from behind the booths and within the ceiling, armed and prepared to spill more blood in this city. 

Maybe he was a fool for thinking a drink or two in one of Kabukichou’s best establishments would settle his nerves.

Yet, for just a moment, when Tae had put her hand on his arm and spoke to him in a quiet and firm voice, Hijikata had felt a calm pass over him, stilling the waters that threatened to overwhelm and drown him inside memories of war and death. He had wanted to draw his sword and march over there and set things straight himself. But, as he watched Tae make her way to the scene of the ruckus and take control, Hijikata realized that this was neither his responsibility nor his battle to fight. 

Nevertheless, he remained vigilant, as Tae spoke to the troublemaking drunkards. Hijikata tensed up when one of them approached Tae, ranting in her face, but she was as immovable as a boulder in a raging river. From this angle, Hijikata could see her usual smile set in place, as she spoke to the man in dulcet tones with an underlying warning. Ignoring the request to step down, the man actually had the gall to lunge for her. Fellow hosts and patrons gasped, but Tae moved fast. 

With barely time for a full breath, Tae grabbed the man’s wrist and spun him around, twisting his arm against his back and forcing him down face first on the nearest table, sending glasses and snack platters to the floor with a crash. While holding the man down, she turned to the second man and spoke to him, still smiling. The second man yelped and ran for the exit only to meet with one of the bouncers. And that was the end of that.

Hijikata exhaled and leaned back against his seat, his muscles relaxing and his hand withdrawing from the trusty handle of his sword. True to her word, she had handled it and hadn’t needed him at all. 

Wiping her hands clean of invisible dust, Tae returned and settled back into their booth.

“Your hand-to-hand combat has evolved,” Hijikata remarked when she sat down, “I’m impressed.”

“Oh, really? Was it not up to your standards before?”

“It’s not that. I’ve only ever seen you fight with a naginata...or punch…or throw people around.”

“There was an embellishment or two, courtesy of Tsukuyo-san’s lessons,” Tae replied, smiling, “We’ve been exchanging combat tips on top of information. It’s part of my plan to strengthen relations between districts as well as fortify Kabukichou’s defenses.” She paused, seeming to consider her next words before adding, “I’m in the middle of preparing an all-woman defence force similar to the Hyakka. If I can help it, I won’t let this district – or the city – be destroyed again.”

Hijikata found that he could easily envision Tae as a leader of her own security force. As he had slowly learned over the past couple of years, Tae was not a mindlessly short-tempered woman who had nothing else to her name except the strength of a gorilla and a bear all at once. She commanded respect and most people gladly gave it to her, followed her even into a battle for which they were not adequately or emotionally prepared for. Tae had been on the front lines with them all.

Hijikata knew Tae had great courage. He had witnessed it on the night she had risked her own life to defend Kondou before a man with the highest and swiftest authority to execute her on the spot. He recalled her impassioned voice, ever steady, even with unshed tears shining in her eyes. Hijikata gazed at the bare skin of her neck, knowing that there was a small, thin scar on the other side. His scars were reminders of stupid hotheaded fights and near-death experiences. Her single one spoke of a selfless act of courage and conviction. And that, he could not forget. 

No wonder everyone followed her. No wonder Kondou had loved her. 

Tae had not given an answer for his question yet, and he didn’t require one. But for himself, Hijikata decided that meeting her in this life had not been a bad thing. 

* * *

Tae waited for Hijikata to say something about her ambitious plans, and when he didn’t immediately comment, she turned toward him and found herself caught in his stare.

Irises like a grey sky darkening into a bluer dusk, cool against the hazy red and pink glow of the bar. Were his eyes always this colour? She hadn’t paid him that much attention to take note of his physical features in full detail besides agreeing with a couple of coworkers that he was, indeed, conventionally handsome during his last visit when they’d caught sight of him walking out with Kondou. If Hijikata wasn’t beside or behind Kondou or bickering with her about Kondou, Hijikata was, otherwise, out of sight and mind for her.

But here he was tonight, in her sight, and pressing upon her mind in an unfamiliar way. Tae wanted to know what he had been thinking about only minutes before, wanted to know what had darkened his gaze, like the moon passing into a veil of clouds. 

As if sensing her inner thoughts, Hijikata looked away and said, “I feel better in leaving this city for awhile, knowing people like you will still be protecting it.”

Tae smiled, though she had to exert some effort in doing so. In all the chaos of the evening and all the casual conversation with Hijikata, she had forgotten that he was going to be leaving within a few days. And it was a bittersweet remembrance. Everyone was always leaving, and she was always staying behind, as if she were fated to forever linger in place and be left again and again. 

Somebody dropped a plate on the floor.

Like before, the sudden clamour seemed to disturb Hijikata, his glass frozen halfway to his lips, his eyes flitting here and there, searching for the source. A guest apologized for the accident while the hostess insisted it was nothing to worry about, and the nearest waiter was already in the process of sweeping the broken glass up.

“Are you all right, Hijikata-san?” Tae asked, though she knew he wasn’t, “You seem a little tense.” She chuckled lightly, adding, “I apologize for all the disturbances tonight. It’s happening more than usual, but we’re all still getting back on our feet and back into routine. A stumble or two is to be expected. After all, we’ve only been open for business for a week. It hasn’t been that long since...” She didn’t need to elaborate any further.

Hijikata sipped from his drink, and then nodded, growing silent again. Tae imagined that for him, as it was for all other samurai, the battlefield was never far from his mind. Perhaps he was still there, deeply entrenched in a memory, in the unease that this present peace was an illusion.

Tae said in a gentler voice, “The war is over, Hijikata-san.” 

* * *

_The war is over._

Kondou had said it. Tetsunosuke had said. Even Sougo had said it, claiming that while the war was over, Hijikata shouldn’t get comfortable because Sougo still planned to become Kondou’s right-hand man, no matter if they were still Shinsengumi or not. It was stupid, ridiculous, and maybe just Sougo’s way of trying to keep things the same in a world that had changed significantly.

A world without Mitsuba. 

Hijikata stared at the wasabi peas, knowing she would come to mind sooner or later. She always did. Maybe Sougo kept up his random attacks and occasionally hostile remarks as punishment for the way Hijikata had left things with Mitsuba. Sougo wasn’t ever going to forget that in spite of their solid comradeship. Hijikata didn’t blame him, because they both knew he had made two colossal mistakes: once as a youth, not respecting Mitsuba’s decisions, for she had known the risks as well; and once as an adult, not going back into that room and asking for her forgiveness and telling her that he loved her. He had never been good with words, preferring direct action, but he admitted that sometimes a word or two was necessary. Still, he hoped that she had somehow known of his true feelings before she passed away. 

Hijikata sighed and set his empty glass down on the table. Dwelling on his regret and inability to forgive himself – no matter how many times Kondou had said that Mitsuba would want him to live on and find happiness in this life – never resulted in anything good. Most of the time, thoughts of her only stole his sleep and drove the blade deeper within his heart. He wanted to remember her without that burden, but doubted he deserved it.

“I know the war is over,” he finally said, “but I can’t help feeling that if I don’t keep my guard up, something is going to happen, and I’d rather commit seppuku here and now then to be caught unaware.” 

Instead of lecturing him, Tae simply replied, “I understand that.” She reached for the teapot and shochu bottle, and asked, “Would you care for another drink?”

Hijikata nodded. “Fill it up. Order another bottle if it’s almost empty.”

She glanced at him, raising an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, even though I’ll probably regret it later.” He wanted to drink and hope to forget for now and pretend the war was really over. “Besides, I thought you welcomed any commission you could get.”

“That’s still true, but my dojo is doing much better now, and I don’t need as much money like before – well, I shouldn’t exactly turn down any opportunity to make more money,” she said with a grin, “But, as a matter of fact, I’m thinking of resigning in the near future.” 

“You’d quit this place?” he asked, grateful for the change in subject.

“Yes, because I’m very busy as a Deva of this district, plus our dojo will soon be overflowing with students who need guidance. Of course, I won’t leave until I’ve selected a successor.” She looked at him. “Are you surprised?”

“A little. You’ve been here a long time.”

“This wasn’t the steady job I imagined ending up with, but it helped make ends meet,” Tae said, “I’m not ashamed of being a cabaret girl.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Hijikata replied after a moment of silence. Of course, she wasn’t going to be a cabaret hostess for life when she had bigger goals in mind. Her life was more than her job whereas his job had _been_ his entire life up to this point.

“Oh, don’t be silly, Hijikata-san. I’m not offended.” She smiled at him. “Rather, I’m glad you’ve noticed that I’ve been here, working hard and making this place the best club in Kabukichou. But my family dojo is still my most important priority, and I’m hoping interest in the art of the sword won’t fade away in this new era.”

Hijikata accepted his refilled glass and drank from it. When all was said and done, where did his future lead? The time he expected to sacrifice his life for Kondou and the Shinsengumi had long passed. They were determined to survive together into the future, but where he went from there, he had no clear direction. He was a year away from his thirties. The world was rapidly changing. Uncertainty weighed heavily on his shoulders, as a samurai in a world losing its need for them. At least Tae knew where she was headed, but he didn’t have a damn clue about his own path except that he aimed to follow Kondou for as long as life allowed.

“None of us will be here forever, after all,” Tae continued, sounding a bit sad. 

Hijikata closed his eyes in agreement, finding her words too painfully true.

* * *

The night went on, and Tae found that she was drinking more than usual to the point where she and Hijikata were starting to ramble and make absurd observations, like how someone’s cigarette smoke in the next booth was forming the shape of _Laputa_. 

“I disagree,” Tae said, frowning at the drifting smoke, “I think it more resembles the castle from the _Lost Kingdom of Golden Eggs_.”

“What the hell is the _Lost Kingdom of Golden Eggs?_ ”

“You’ve never heard of the _Lost Kingdom of Golden Eggs?_ That’s strange. Everyone I know has heard the tale of how a young woman discovered a portal to another world in the curve of an eggshell she was going to throw away. She enters the portal and finds a man named San, who is locked in a deadly battle with a dragon while a planetary war rages on. And she also discovers her own superpowers, which she uses to help San find the legendary Golden Egg that grants your heart’s deepest desire.”

“That sounds too familiar…did you just copy the plot from the _Hallucination of Escaflowne?_ ”

“Not at all! I’m offended you would think that I would rip off a classic like that,” Tae shot back, scowling at him, “It’s as real as _DragonBleaPiece._ ”

“That’s an even bigger rip-off!” Hijikata gulped down more of his drink and exhaled loudly. “ _DragonBleaPiece_ is about as real as Planet Mayonnaise.” He doled out a generous helping of mayonnaise on his empty plate, and then glared at a passing customer, who threw him a disgusted look. “Oi, what the hell are you looking at? Never seen mayonnaise before? Get your mug of my sight before I make you commit seppuku!” 

Tae couldn’t help gigging at the man’s fast getaway and at the way Hijikata shoved a mouthful of mayonnaise into his mouth. Everything was funny right now for no apparent reason other than alcohol magnifying the barest hint of amusement. Besides, it had been a long time since she laughed heartily like this, so she wanted to enjoy it while she could. When she drew back on recollections with Shinpachi, Kagura, Kyuubei, and others – back to days when she had laughed so hard her stomach ached – her mood soured out. With her smile slowly fading, Tae stared at her liquid reflection in her glass, wondering if it felt as tired and sad as she did in that moment. The war made all her happy days seem like ancient memories. 

Hijikata took out his electronic cigarette and prepped it, inhaling and signifying that their evening was coming to an end. Tae watched him smoke for less than half a minute, wondering if she could confide into him the way she had once so long ago in this same place. His head had been wrapped in bandages and she had sat here, hands fidgeting on her lap, wishing there was something more she could do to make up for the Yorozuya and the Shinsengumi getting involved in her personal affairs. Hijikata had provided a listening ear and solid advice for which she was grateful to receive and mull over. 

Tae opened her mouth to speak, but then decided that she didn’t want to disturb him when he seemed to be lost in somber thoughts of his own. She opted for a small sigh instead.

“If you want to say something,” Hijikata said, “then say it.”

He was as straightforward as ever, and he would only have himself to blame if he found that what she had to say was too cheerless for a hostess, who should be aiding in his escapism. “I’m tired,” she said, quite plainly. 

“Of what?”

“Of people leaving.” 

“…Leaving to where?”

“Oh, just leaving. Leaving for space, leaving for a journey, leaving to places I cannot reach.” Tae turned to him with a thin smile. “I should get to do the leaving just once, don’t you think? And then others can be the ones left behind, waiting for my return, always waiting and nothing else, nothing more.” Before she could stop herself, the shochu in her system urged her to continue on, “I wouldn’t leave forever, of course. I think I would take a long vacation – maybe to Hakone or Takayama, or maybe all the way to Kyoto. Oh, I could visit the Fushimi-Inari Shrine! And I wouldn’t forget to visit the Kiyomizu-dera Temple, either. I’d bring back souvenirs for everyone—”

“Are you talking about the Yorozuya?”

“I don’t fault them for leaving,” Tae replied the second he finished asking, “and I’m not complaining about it. They are doing what they need to do and going where they must.” She drew in a deep breath. “But, as of late, I’ve been thinking about how everyone is moving on and embracing new lives and new careers…and it feels a little like being left behind.” She didn’t mention her parents or Hajime, but the feeling was more of the same, watching people pass on and figuring out how to carry on in their stead without letting her grief overwhelm her. 

“Isn’t your brother still in the city?”

“Oh, he is, I still see him often, but he’s running Yorozuya all on his own, so that keeps him very busy.” That was another thing – Shinpachi’s far-off gaze, drifting off to somewhere she couldn’t reach. Determined to be patient with her brother, Tae allowed Shinpachi to do what he wanted, especially since he was having a difficult time dealing with the absence of Gintoki and Kagura so soon after the war. But she hoped Shinpachi would find his own inner strength to continue on in better spirits because there was only so much she could do for him. After all, he was an adult now. 

“I know the Yorozuya are doing important things right now,” Tae went on, “Perhaps that’s why I’m organizing a new defense force. Of course, I want to continue to protect Kabukichou, but I want to do more than I ever did before, so that I’m not found…lacking, so to speak.”

Hijikata didn’t speak for a long moment, and Tae wondered if she had said too much. “Forgive me for bringing down the mood, Hijikata-san. I’m thinking too much – and probably drinking too much, as well.” Tae set down her glass, inwardly berating herself for dwelling too long on thoughts that would only sap her strength. None of her other customers inspired complex discussions beyond the day’s activities or tomorrow’s weather. Something about Hijikata’s presence compelled her into sharing her mind. 

“You’re not lacking anything,” Hijikata said at last in a quiet voice, “Maybe you’re…lonely.”

Tae’s eyes watered slightly or perhaps it was only her reflection in the tea. “Ah, maybe you’re right…”

* * *

The next few minutes were spent in silence, listening to the merriment of customers and hostesses. He smoked and she sipped her shochu tea, and that was enough. 

Hijikata planned to leave soon, especially since he had consumed more alcohol than he had intended. “I should go,” he said, lowering his cigarette. 

Another smile lit Tae’s face, as she replied, “Of course, Hijikata-san. You should get some rest. I hope this has been a pleasant evening for you.”

Perhaps it was the war that had changed him. Not only was he keeping a closer eye on Kondou, but after losing many comrades and watching half the city he called home fall into ruin, Hijikata was hyper aware of everything around him, be it the sound of shattering glass or the scent of perfume – both of which happened to be the norm at Snack Smile. Broken bottles from careless revelers or strong perfumes from the hosts except Tae’s choice wasn’t…unpleasant. Beyond that, he constantly took stock of his entire surroundings, vigilant for impending danger. Enemies lurked everywhere, and he didn’t want to lose another ally if possible. Nothing had escaped his attention, not even what he perceived as a bittersweet tinge to her smile.

“Thank you for your company,” he said, rising to his feet. “May I leave through the back door?”

“Yes, you may.” Tae stood up as well and led the way out of the booth. “Follow me, please.” 

Behind her, Hijikata surveyed the room, as they moved toward the employee quarters. There was nothing out of the ordinary. Just the same old Snack Smile scene, and that was a good thing. This city was sparking to life again.

One of the hostesses called out to Tae, who turned to them with a smile and said something in response. He couldn’t hear or rather wasn’t concentrating enough to make out her reply. When she had turned her head, he had glimpsed that scar on her neck.

To this day, Hijikata hated the fact that he hadn’t been able to move until he heard the weapon clink and sensed malicious intentions. In the fraction of a second, he had zeroed in on that crimson line between fair skin and the glint of a sword. From there, something ignited within, and his fist nearly connected with Nobu Nobu’s face, political title be damned. Hijikata hadn’t been able to think of the consequences beyond an impulse in that moment. All he had known was that he wasn’t going to let another person suffer from his failure to act on Kondou’s arrest or to climb out of a pit of despair sooner. 

Staring at her long dark hair, breathing in a sweet plum scent that trailed behind her, and remembering her kind voice, Hijikata focused less on his regret and more on his sudden relief that Tae had not left them forever on that night. 

* * *

Tae opened the door to the alley, the night air rushing inward and cooling her flushed face and clearing her mind of hazy, liquor-filled thoughts for several moments. Shadows crept below murky light and crawled up walls of blackened wood and charred stone and new brick layers. The air smelled of freshly fallen rain, and a memory stirred from within and rose to the surface. “Reika-chan,” Tae whispered, recalling that Reika loved rain and didn’t grumble about walking home on rainy nights with her hydrangea print umbrella. Reika was another reason for creating a new Kabukichou defense squad. 

“Did you say something?” Hijikata asked, the sudden interlude of his deep voice startling her back into the present with a slight jump of her shoulders.

Tae drew in a long breath of rain scent and thought of replying that it was nothing, but it seemed wrong right now to not speak Reika into existence again. “My friend and coworker, Reika-chan,” Tae said with a light smile, “I thought of her just now because she always enjoyed the rain.” Tae paused, and then added in a quieter voice, “It rained not long after we found her body.” Reika had died protecting inexperienced and panic-stricken members of the cabaret squad, killed by an enemy soldier. Tae hadn’t even known until hours later and hadn’t allowed herself to grieve until there was no longer a need to lead people into battle. 

Hijikata said nothing, for which Tae was grateful. If one more person offered their condolences, she might tear up again, and she didn’t want to anymore, not for a long time. There had been enough tears in the war’s aftermath, as they gathered fallen friends and informed surviving family members of their loved one’s demise. Besides, she had an hour left on her shift, and now was not the time to weep and bring the mood down when everyone was still celebrating and pretending they hadn’t lost more than they had now. No one would want to be served by a hostess with downcast eyes and an unsmiling mouth – as Hijikata had once remarked during that fateful night.

And so, Tae kept smiling, more for others than for herself.

* * *

Hijikata was growing more familiar with her smiles, and this one was obviously forced, as if she needed to keep up a shield before him, insisting she was strong in the midst of grief. 

“Thank you for coming, Hijikata-san,” Tae said, “I do hope you’ll come visit us again—”

“You don’t have to do that.”

Tae’s smile froze in place. “Pardon me?”

“Put on a front for me,” Hijikata replied, “You don’t have to pretend everything is okay if it isn’t.” 

Tae stared at him, her smile gone, lips slightly parted in surprised. 

“After all, you’re going to be working with Kondou-san and me,” Hijikata added, awkwardly clearing his throat and averting his eyes from her mouth. “There’s no need to hide anything for our sake.”

“I see,” Tae replied after a long moment, “I guess we’ve known each other too long for that.”

Hijikata stared at the rooftops, cursing himself for acting like an idiot. It wasn’t about the mission or working together; it was about telling her to be true to herself, be free to grieve for her friend in front of him. He didn’t want to be a burden for her, didn’t want her to feel she should lie for his sake. But he hesitated in telling her the full extent of his thoughts. The evening had revealed different sides of themselves to one another, bringing them to a greater level of understanding. And it felt different. It felt like a new path was being laid out before him, beckoning him toward a destination he didn’t believe would be possible again. 

Going out into the countryside would give him time and space to contemplate that path. 

* * *

As they stood in the doorway, Tae found herself wishing Hijikata would stay a little longer. The man she’d once dismissed as a grumpy mayonnaise addict had told her that it was okay to let her guard down before him. She’d enjoyed their evening together. Having shouldered others’ burdens for so long, Tae was relieved to have someone else do that for her for a change. She didn’t want to worry the Yorozuya or her friends too much given how much they relied on her to be their pillar. But with Hijikata, it was different, and he hadn’t complained about her sharing private thoughts with him. The gap between them, formed from when they used to bicker about Kondou, had narrowed. 

“I didn’t give you an answer yet,” Tae said, suddenly remembering the question from earlier. 

Hijikata, who had stepped out into the alley, turned around to look at her. “For what?”

“You asked me if I would’ve preferred that we’d gone on living without having ever met one other.” She smiled at him. “My answer is…I’m glad that we both met Kondou-san.” She watched him comprehend the meaning, frown lines softening into a curious expression.

Then, he replied, “I’m glad, too.”

“And if I may say this,” Tae added, remembering something she wanted to clarify from earlier that evening, “I understand that it’s difficult to feel as though the war is behind you – and not just the war but also death. We have all loved and lost, and the future may very well be rife with more war and more death. But, I think living in the moment and believing in the peace that is here and now will keep us going day by day. Sometimes that’s all we can do. Sometimes you just have to…” Hajime’s grin flashed in her mind, making her pause and remember him with a wider smile. “…Laugh and smile and keep moving forward. But also, talk to people when you need somebody to listen. And for that, I thank you for listening to me tonight. Again,” she added with a chuckle.

“I should be thanking you,” Hijikata said, a genuine smile appearing on Hijikata’s face, one that was full of the most warmth she had ever received from him. She could almost see the stress and pain of years melt away from him. 

“When the mission is over and you’re back in the city,” Tae said, “maybe we can talk about _Kendo Cop’s_ seventh season.” Last time she had spoken to Hijikata about it one evening when he had accompanied Kondou to Snack Smile, they had gotten into a lively debate about a potential villain’s motives. She remembered Kondou trying to play peacemaker between them, but he hadn’t been entirely successful, caught between two stubborn people. Regardless, it had one of the more enjoyable work shifts of her time in Snack Smile after learning that Hijikata, surprisingly, made time for television in spite of his strict schedule. “They’ve resumed filming the eighth season now that TH Studios is mostly rebuilt.”

Hijikata nodded. “And I’ll win the debate this time.”

“You are free to keep trying. Oh, and I was wondering – what is Planet Mayonnaise?”

At that, he stiffened, and even in the dim lighting she could see his face redden, as he muttered, “Nothing, it’s nothing. There’s no such thing as the Prince of Planet Mayonnaise, it’s a stupid, stupid thing.” 

Tae arched an eyebrow. “The Prince? Seems you know more than you’re letting on…”

“I don’t! I don’t know anything about a mayonnaise costume!”

The whole sight of Hijikata looking flustered out of his element was so astonishing and so amusing that Tae burst into a fit of giggles, bringing a hand to her chest. “Oh, my, Hijikata-san! You are full of surprises. This Mayonnaise Prince sounds rather exciting, as exciting as _DragonBleaPiece._ I would love to hear the tale someday.”

Hijikata seemed to sputter for words, but in the end, sighed heavily, shook his head, and then flashed her another smile, one that made her heart flutter just a tad. “It’s the stupidest, crappiest, most original story you’ll never hear.” 

Tae grinned. “Oh, I’ll get that tale out of you one way or another. Good night, Hijikata-san.”

“Good night, Otae-san.” His voice was quieter, gentler than she had ever heard coming from him, and her heart did another butterfly impression.

As she returned to the throng of entertainment inside, Tae let her mind wander and wonder about a whole world of new possibilities while smiling to herself, unexpectedly pleased to have seen him leaving with a brighter light in his eyes. 

* * *

Hijikata walked down the alleyway, keeping to the shadows, breathing in the fresh air. His shoulders were looser, as if they had dropped a great weight, and he couldn’t exactly say it was because of the alcohol.

There was another image engraved on his mind: Tae, standing in the middle of the doorway, framed by light from within and light from above. Yet, there had been nothing brighter than that smile – a true one – on her lips. He was starting to wonder if that was the whole reason for seeking out Snack Smile tonight. There was no need to keep up a carefree appearance with him, but even so, her smile carried its own strength and its own light that he was unexpectedly relieved to still find in the dark. 


End file.
